Topic: write a concise passage

Time: 2:55 p.m. March 17, 2002

Purpose: 1. explain why wordiness appears in writing usually.

2. Make a wordy phrase, sentence and passage concise.

3. Build up a concise passage.

Aids: CAI, computer and POH.

Procedures:

In general: 1. Pre-learning: give examples and ask students to discuss how wordiness happens.

2. Presentation: summary what students express and induce them to think how to correct wordy sentences.

3. Practice: direct students to correct wordy phrases, sentences, and passages and organize certain rules by themselves.

4. Consolidation: write a concise passage according to the given requirements (Picture story).

5. Homework: 1) Correct some other passages.

2) surf website about English Writing.

In detail:

Step I. Pre-learning.

Give two different versions of passages and ask students to compare:

The two passages:

Passage one: Tom is four years old and he is energetic. One day a bike was give to him. The bike is new and it is a light blue color. Tom received the bike for his birthday. He struggled to ride his bike. He struggled for two hours. However, he was unsuccessful in riding the bike.

Passage two: Four-year-old Tom is energetic. One day, he got a light blue bike for his birthday. He struggled for two hours to ride it, but he was unsuccessful.

The hint: passage one is too long with many redundant words, while the second is concise and clear. That is what should be achieved in writing.

Step II. Presentation.

Show wordy phrases and sentences. Ask students to discuss how wordiness appears and find out the way to correct them.

Sample one: The employee with anger quarreled with his boss. (angry)

A girl likes Chinese food better. (prefer)

There are many People hunting animals for living in the mountain. (hunters)

In the not too distant future, our dreams will come true. (near)

He gave up school on condition of the fact that it was necessary for him to support his family. (because)

Summary one: Change phrases into single words.

Sample two: The house, which was built newly is near the sea.

(The newly-built house )

People who are interested in the job must send your resume to our company before Friday.

(People interested in the job)

The way that is most efficient and convenient...

(the most efficient and convenient way)

While he is waiting for the bus, he always recites texts. (While waiting for the bus or Waiting for…)

Please put the money at a place where it is safe.

(please put the money at a safe place )

summary two: change clauses in phrases.

Sample three: A letter was sent by Mrs. Smith.

(Mrs. Smith sent a letter)

Your luggage will be checked by a custom official and then a pass card will be given to you.

(A custom official will check your luggage and give you a pass card)

The production of the factory was affected greatly by so many inexperienced workers.

(So many inexperienced workers affected the production of the factory greatly.)

Although Chinese is regularly used by students, a close and complete study of the subject is seldom taken by them.

(Although students regularly use Chinese, they seldom take a close and complete study of the subject.)

Summary three: change unnecessary passive into active voice.

Sample four: The skirt is blue in color. (the skirt is blue)

In the year of 1840 the war broke out.

(The war broke our in 1840)

We plan to meet before sunrise very early in the morning. (We plan to meet before sunrise)

I play basketball equally as well as my brother.

(I play basketball as well as my brother.)

summary four: avoid repetition.

Step III. Practice

Correct wordy sentences and passage.

1. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting foreign students may come to know one.

(Students interested in meeting foreign students may come to know one in many ways.)

2. There are many farmers in the area who are planning to attend the meeting which is fixed for next Friday.

(Many farmers in the area plan to attend the meeting fixed for next Friday)

3. To work as a accountant, an education in money planning is required.

(To work as a accountant, one requires to study money planning.)

4. The subjects that are considered most important by students are those that have been shown to be useful to them after graduation.

(Students consider the subjects shown useful to them after graduation most important.)

5. The decision that was reached by the committee was to put off the vote.

(The committee reached the decision to put off the vote.)

(The committee decided to put off the vote)

6. The animal trainer dove into the pool. The trainer was skilled and athletic. She was excited when she dove into the pool. She swam with two dolphins. The dolphins were babies. The dolphins were playful. The trainer swam with the dolphins for over an hour. When the trainer swam with the dolphins, she was happy.

(The skilled, athletic animal trainer excitedly dove into the pool and happily swam for over an hour with two playful baby dolphins.)

Step IV. Consolidation.

Ask students to write a passage as concise as possible and evaluate some examples in class through POH. (Picture and story)

Step V. Homework

1. Give students more samples of wordiness to revise and improve.

1)Before the travel agent was completely able to finish explaining the various differences among all of the many very unique vacation packages his travel agency was offering, the customer changed her future plans.

2)During that time period, many car buyers preferred cars that were pink in color and shiny in appearance.

3) Our branch office currently employs five tellers. These tellers do an excellent job Monday through Thursday but cannot keep up with the rush on Friday and Saturday.

4) The blizzard contained strong winds and heavy snow. During the snowstorm, the roof of the town library collapsed. The roof of the post office did the same. The blowing snow covered the county roads. Schools cancelled classes due to the white-out conditions.

5) Locked away in the old chest, Richard was surprised by the antique hats.

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